My grandmother lived into her 90's. Admittedly the last few years of her life were quiet and sad, spent sitting in a home. But those first 85 years she was healthy and active. I think about that sometimes when I think I am getting old. I am 27. Yes- my mother had two kids by now. Yes- many of my friends are married and having babies. Yes- I am just getted started on a questionable career path that could potentially lead me nowhere. But I am not yet old.

That said. My age is not the point of this blog. I organized, wrote and performed in a really exciting show the other night. I had a high I had not had in a long time. Followed by a long night of merriment it was (although a strange day) a good one. But I woke up the next morning not feeling so happy. I woke up feeling the opposite of happy, which is, I guess, sad. I woke up so sad. I woke up missing everything I had ever lost in my life. And all day I went over the list again and again. Missing everything from friends and lovers, to experiences, youth and hope...everything including the night before. Which as wonderful as it was, I could never have back. And I missed it.

And after a extended day of lingering in my own melancholy I realized that this feeling. This overwhelming, upsetting feeling could only get worse. The longer life is- the more things you leave behind- the more things you watch come and go. The more sadness you endure. Of course their is the other side of that. The more happy moments, the more exciting adventures, the more experiences....but those are things I am mourning the most. I miss all the happiness I ever had. Even in moments when I am perfectly happy.

Diagnose that.

India Ink

I recently bought some India Ink which I have never used before. I thought these turned out pretty good.

Tummyache

Hello Friends! I am going public today. I like to say that as if I were some sort of company being traded on the market. In a way I am. ... ... ... You know what...that's not true or funny and I don't really know why I said it. I take it back. I am not a company being traded on the market. I am just me. Nevermind.

Currently I am in the middle of the strangest illness I have ever had. I was severely ill this weekend. I shan't go in to it now, but it was disgusting and terrible and I will remember it forever. Ah the humiliation.

But now...many days later I am still suffering from an upset stomach. Or stranger than that, just a lack of hunger. Now I don' t know how well you people know me, but I love food. I love to go out to eat. I love to stay in to eat. I love love love to eat. I do. But lately the sound, the smell, the look of food makes me want to yack. What is with that? I am sure it is psychosomatic, but its strange. But it is???

I recalled my childhood. As a child I had strange fear of vomit. For instance, as a child I might get the flu or something which would then lead to vomitting. Then a week later to the day I would feel ill again. Why would that be? The bug that had entered my body had surely left by then, right? But sure enough come Thursday I would be in the nurses office complaing of a stomach ache. Do you know why? Because it was Thursday! See? The last time it was Thursday I threw up. See? Surely it was Thursday's fault that I was sick. OR I would wear my green pants on a day I had been ill. Then weeks or even months I would feel ill again. Why?? Because of those green pants. Those damn green pants. See I threw up in those pants. Surely it was the pants that make me throw up. *Note- I threw away those green pants eventually.

It was a strange phobia with many hilarious nuances, but I thought I was healed. I thought this was behind me. I thought my fear of vomit had diminished. But now I am wondering if in fact my lack of hunger...my disgust with food in general is not just an adult form of this phobia.

Damn.

Included in this email is a picture of a tree that I drew. It is not sideways for artistic purposes I just couldn't figure out how to flip the image.

All Caught Up

And by that I mean my body and mind. It's kind of backwards. I have been running and running for months and today I felt it. My body was tired and my patience at zero and my mind...boggled. Is that how you spell it? Perhaps I should add a few more "g's". Boggggggled. Yes the extra "g's" were necessary. Today's art is a line drawing on recycled paper of a pooped Julia. *sigh*

Title-less

I couldn't think of a title. So officially this blog is titled Title-less. See? Its ironic because it has a title that implies that it does not have a title. Since no one reads my blogs anyway I shall not worry about wondering if my joke is lost, because I know it will be. Don't worry I am not sad or depressed that no one reads my blog for I have not told anyone about this blog. My point. I am aware of my audience. Me. For now.

Blah Blah Blah.

Attached to this blog is a photograph I took. I am not a photographer. I will say it again. I am NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER. Infact I think the invention of the camera phone has bastardized that art of photography. However. I love being the child of a bastard. So here for all to enjoy is a picture of a tree. In the style of Ansel Adams taken on my Verizon Wireless LG Picture phone.

Blah Blah Blah.

While in Scotland this summer I saw an exhibit of some of Andy Warhol's work spanning his entire life. It was really incredible and although there were many aspects I fully enjoyed about the exhibit the thing that stuck with me were these so called "Time Capsules". Apparantly Andy Warhol would box up the crap in his house and put a date on it and months, years later he would open them and display them as art. I imagine one could get into an argument as to whether or not that is really art. But I say yes. I am all about art for arts sake and all that jazz. So yestarday as I was admiring the incredible mess that has collected in my car I thought about the "timecapsule" it would create if I were to put it on display.

Here is a list of the items in my January 14th Honda Civic Timecapsule:

Slimfast cans (2), Empty Starbucks cup, yellow stretched out tank top, Madeline Posters (I forgot to hang), Sweat Pea perfume, bobby pins (4), Countless pennies, trash, multicultural Christmas Cards, Sheet Music (song: Jolene), Burned cd's of The Shins, The Bird and the Bee, & David Bowie. Cell phone cord, wedding dress (costume for a show I just did), red rope, programs from my time at the Edinburgh festival, An entire bag of Germantown Community Theatre brochures and underwear (don't ask, because I don't know!)

Well my first drawing of the new year is of a frog. You might could say that frogs have been sort of a theme in the last few projects I've worked on. In the fall I did a little production of the "The Frog Prince" that I adapted to have musical numbers from the 50's, 60's and 70's then I directed Prelude to a Kiss whose script begins with a quote from Brothers Grimm "The Frog Prince" and now I am directing Crime of the Heart and although there is no frogs in the show per se there is a frog on the set. So I drew it. It is technically my first artisitic endeavor of the new year. Huzzah!

Testing

It is January. January 3rd. A Thursday. Afternoon. Achem. Evening. I am posting a blog that no one will read. It is a trial really. I have made two new years resolutions this year.

1. Create more art

2. Stop being so hateful (or stop making fun of fat people)

Pretty simple. I don't often make New Year's resolutions or if I do it is something pretty absurd and easily maintained.

"I will drink this entire bottle of champagne" 2007

"I will stop doing drugs in abandoned wearhouses" 2006

This "blogspot" is essentially to help with resolution #1. I figure blogging is an art. Right??? Right?? Ya hear me out there world???

So to start here is a copy of the poster I created for Prelude to a Kiss which was the play I directed that closed Dec. 13th. It is a great poster and I can only hope the show lived up to it.

Note: The actual image was stolen from the internet. alls fair ya'll!